When I set out on this journey, I didn't expect the fire I'd be walking through. I have encountered challenge after challenge, refinement, and growth. With that being said, despite my occasional questioning: "God is this REALLY what I am supposed to be doing." An answer is always near. Perhaps not in the way I would expect, but in a way that quiets my restless mind and puts a peace in my heart.
In these past couple of weeks, I have learned a new larger than life lesson of selfishness versus serving, which has been quite impactful on my children and husband. I have come to realize the sadness and lack of awareness for others that clouds thought, vision, and feeling when ones life is enrobed in selfishness. The 'me first' attitude that despite the immediate gratification in getting what one wants right away, in the long run, hurts those we love most. There is no win in selfish attitude. Where is the lasting joy? It doesn't exist.
Instead, I choose to turn from the selfish. I realize, more and more, with each new dawn, the joy that I feel when I am serving others in my community, in my circle of friends, in my neighborhood, and in my family. Some that know me, might say, well, you were serving as a classroom teacher. No, no. That wasn't it and just didn't bring me the kind of joy that I feel in the depths of my soul today and hope to continue to feel in the future; not just one day or one week from now, but one year, five years, ten years from now. I am not sure exactly what that looks like and I may not know for some time. Yes, it is a scary journey, a financial burden when trying to support a family of seven on one income. What a blessing my husband is! On another note, I say servitude in my title, because serving comes with an attitude. Attitude of selfish desire or attitude of joy. When serving with an attitude of joy, one can have a lasting impact on another's day or even life. I may not always want to serve and question it, but I know that when I serve with a selfish attitude, it NEVER goes over well.
God calls us to walk in Faith. To listen, and obey, as I often tell my children; why shouldn't I heed my own advice? As I walk down the path of this journey, I recall that I am a servant and a gift giver. I realize that there isn't much that brings me more joy than being able to serve others in a capacity that fills a need that they desire in some form or another. I don't want anything in return, because I get it in the response from those I serve. My return comes in the form of a tear, a smile, a hug, a handshake. I believe that because I am so servant minded, it hurts my heart even more when I encounter those who are so self-absorbed and selfish. It hurts even more when it becomes personal.
Out of this big picture come two more lessons: forgiveness and standing strong as a servant. First, forgiveness. We are called by God to forgive others, forgiving can be extremely hard to do. Over a period of nine years now, I have been continuously hurt by someone whom I thought was near and dear to me. It has taken me quite some time to realize that this wasn't the case, and to come to terms with the need to forgive this person of the hurt they have caused me. I am now challenged with probably one of the hardest things, at this point, I have ever had to do. Emotions run raw and deep. As part of this lesson, I have learned to stand up for myself, become a strong woman of God, and realize my value. I can still serve others, but I don't have to be a doormat. I liked to think I was a strong individual growing up, independent, and able to survive on my own. I realize though, that I am not as strong as I thought. I LOVE that each day, I am growing stronger and learning what being a strong servant looks like.
I never imagined that when I set out on this journey, that I would learn so much about myself as a person. I would be forced to look at myself from the inside out. I would be forced to look deep within my heart of hearts. There is some pretty gross 'stuff' in there, but I will tell you, that I have spotted some very lovely 'stuff' too, and I can't wait to see what blossoms! I know that despite the heartache, tears, and even the victories, I am at peace with what I am doing now and where I am supposed to be. I may never know why, but the joy that stirs my heart tells me it will be good!
I invite you to follow me on my journey, leave your thoughts about your own journey, or just a comment or note. Which will you choose? Selfish or Servitude?
Until next time...
...Be Yourself, Be Extraordinary, Dream Big...
Stacey
